Lockdown diaries- Part 1- This too shall pass...

Writing has always been a passion. As a child, I used to write pages after pages in my diaries. Whether I was very happy or sad or confused or just had a new year resolution to make, I would write them all. And it did make me feel better, helped me find peace and direction and soothe the restlessness. Long before any expert would tell me how writing helps to reduce any tension or cheer up your mood, I had started writing. 

Therefore it is sad that as a grown up, I wrote very less. There were always excuses about being very busy but the fact is life had shown such ugly sides that often I would fall short of words. Instead of thinking about writing about the events that occurred, I was more interested in running away from them. There were too many lessons life had taught and I was unable to summarize them all in a few words. Diary pages remained empty. Occasionally I would write a few blogs but that's about it. Life moved on and so did I, the faster the better. I just went with the flow. And then one day, the lock down happened! My whole conscience came to a jolt. Just like the streets, my fast paced life suddenly seemed to apply a brake. This was not the calmness and solitude that I loved and craved for. It was something else, some uneasy stillness that I never wanted. The slowness was only in the outside, but inside, the mind wandered aimlessly and recklessly. Perhaps, it was easy to hide the realities of life when you are busy and preoccupied. It was good to go with the flow, keeping all the pain behind. But now it was getting difficult to bury the negative thoughts, the fear and the helplessness anymore. I was feeling choked from inside. The ever optimist woman who always had some positive words to share with the world started being so negative that the idea of life seemed daunting  and I silently prayed for death. I was tired, extremely tired to live, to fight everyday with myself trying to justify what I did to deserve this and what could I have done to avoid this nagging pain that refuses to leave my mind and body. It seemed like I am too tired to fight anymore!

Sheryl Sandberg rightly said in her book that as women, we lack the self confidence that men have. We are always judging ourselves and are constantly blaming ourselves for everything. Yes, the society is cruel too, with extreme expectations from a woman, but we are not kind to ourselves either. Right from childhood, we are taught to excel in studies and be independent. There is no leeway there. At the same time, when we spend the entire lives trying to make ourselves successful and self dependent, the entire definition of success changes for us. Success is not where you work or how much money you earn or what luxuries you can afford. Success to the society is about getting married,  having kids, raising them well. So at every stage of her life, a woman constantly needs to fight and prove herself so that the world can certify her as a good daughter, a good wife, a good daughter in law, a good mother, a good cook, a good cleaner, basically good at everything. It is immaterial as to how hard she is working for  giving herself and her dear and near ones a comfortable life, how hard she has to work for proving herself a good employee too. And the worse part is, we ourselves feel the need to excel in everything we do, we just cant accept failure. We have the never ending need to feel loved, appreciated and cared for. We almost kill ourselves if we are losing out on anything. The expectations from people around me and my own did add to feelings of helplessness and the pressure sometime became too much to handle. 

It is a fact that the current scenario we are going through made us realize how helpless we are as human beings with all the restrictions in place, but then I thought haven't we always been helpless? No matter how much we wanted to take control of our lives, could we ever stop what was inevitable and destined? Could we stop a loved one from leaving us? Could we ever help not fall in love when we were meant to? When neither our birth, nor our death have ever been in our hands, why are we suddenly feeling so helpless and powerless. And why are we judging and blaming ourselves for it? We are mere puppets in the hands of destiny and we lead our lives exactly the way it is destined. The only power probably with us is the power to differentiate between right and wrong and choose one over the other. We have the power to choose to be a good human being, to make a small difference to the lives of people around with our love and generosity. We have the power to dream and work hard towards realizing that dream. whether or not the dream is ultimately fulfilled is again not in our hands but we have the power and ability to at least try. We have the power to hope and be strong and feel blessed to have a life of abundance. We have the power to be grateful for not having to struggle for  the basic necessities of  life. We have the power to be happy with what we have, find joys in the small things of life- like that hug from the one you love or that call with the dearest people who count on you for their happiness.

Feeling powerful or helpless is a choice, success or failure depends on you and your interpretation of life. Its like the glass half full or half empty- But nonetheless, life goes on. The struggles will remain, societal pressures will continue to bother us, but we need to find peace within the chaos. We need to love ourselves, accept ourselves and tell ourselves it is okay. It is okay to fail, it is okay to not be perfect. One day, the world will heal, so will you. The pain will reduce, the eyes will glitter with joy again, the smiles will no longer be fake, the fears will subside. Just like all those times, this too shall pass! Till then do not give up on life. 

And like always writing your thoughts helps calm your soul, reduce the chaos and continues to empower you in your journey of hope! Plus there are no more any excuses of lack of time, anymore.